Infants Remembered In Silence (IRIS) - Poems

You Would Have Been

Written December 8, 2013 by Judy Marvel

For Baby Marvel

The pain came slowly.
Decidedly.
And in spurts.

But first the tears flowed.
My heart knew I was slowly losing you.
You were letting go.

So, I cried first.
My heart bled of grief.
For the emptiness it would soon feel.

And when the tears stopped, I bawled over with pain.
I welcomed it because I wanted the pain to herald you’re going away.
The pain made you real.

Like fighting into the night.
Not gently.
Never gently.

I wanted to know how much pain I could bear.
I wanted you to know I would bear that pain for what would've been.

I did not want the easy way out.
No pills that would numb the pain.

Just the two of us saying goodbye in that gut-wrenching way you lose someone you love.

Only you didn't know how much I could have loved you.

And I wouldn't know what would have been the color of your eyes.

The pain never stopped deep into the night.
I don't know if it ever will.

Used with permission.

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