Infants Remembered In Silence (IRIS) - Poems

Lost

By Joanne Crook

I’ve lost you
so lost I can’t find you
so lost I don’t even know where to
look
I don’t know where they took you
or even on which day

I want to search for you
find you
keep you
turn the world upside down
and leave no stone unturned

I dreamt a sweet nightmare
I dreamt I carried you
secretly in my handbag
wrapped in a tissue
it made me so happy
to have you back again

But I haven’t found you
I awoke from the operation
to find that while I slept my
house had been broken and entered by
strangers, graverobbers who
desecrated the inner sanctuary
stole you from me
violated the womb

I cried from my soul for you.

I’d signed the forms, never consenting
to lose you
”Risk of infection,” they said
so I signed
what could I do?
You died many weeks before I learned
the truth
then, refusing intervention,
I waited for my body to say goodbye.
It would not give you up
couldn’t give up on you.
I held you three weeks longer
bonded three weeks harder
grew so possessive of the little death
inside
the body inside my body
a walking grave
my secret madness
During these weeks I planned in
earnest
chose a place of rest for you
a place to carry you
bury you
visit you and
grieve
but still you didn’t come
and sensing the danger
in my love for one already dead
I let them take you
the deed was done

A week later, I bled and bled
woke in a pool
a junior doctor, armed with plastic
speculum
announced, “Retained Products,”
“They’ve left some behind.”

Another operation
I awoke this time
and didn’t cry
just dry and hollow and empty

Lost you
Miss you

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