I Wish I Could Tell You…But I Can’t |
By James H. Cunningham |
I wish I could tell you…
about my being in the delivery room sharing in the anticipation, intimacy… and tragedy of my son’s still-birth, but I can’t… fathers were not allowed to be present for cesarean deliveries. I wish I could tell you… about seeing and holding my first-born son, life-less though he was, but I can’t… no one encouraged or helped us to consider this. Our guilt was considerable. I wish I could tell you… about the mementos we treasure like photos of Chris, footprints, handprints, identification bands, locks of hair, still-birth certificate… but I can’t… no such things were offered no such concrete memories exist. I wish I could tell you… about the support and guidance we received from the hospital staff, but I can’t… though I believed they did the best they could for the times, their support was minimal and guidance non-existent as I remember it. I wish I could tell you… about the literature we received to educate and affirm us for the grieving ahead, but I can’t… we received nothing to guide us. Consider how much literature we would have received if our baby was born alive! I wish I could tell you… about our mutual sharing of a meaningful funeral, but I can’t… no one suggested I had options to the routine of burying our child three days later even though his mother was still in the hospital. I wish I could tell you… about the support of our family and friends and our involvement in a bereaved parent group, but I can’t… after the first week our friends tried to help by not talking about the experience and no bereaved parent group existed or if it did, we never learned of it. I wish I could tell you… How my wife and I understood our different ways of coping, upheld each other, and grew closer together through this sad time, but I can’t… at best, we weathered the experience, had two subsequent children and divorced eleven years later. I can tell you a few things like… -an O.B. nurse, friend who came in off-duty to assist with the joyful delivery turned tragic event -three of my associates who came to wait with me for the blessed event and who instead shared my shock and tried to contain my hysteria -an O.B. doctor who took time and did his best to share his feelings and his understandings of why Chris died -a tape I made of the funeral service for my absent wife and a photo of the closed casket – the only concrete mementos we have -subsequently, through the pain of it all, this child has had a significant impact on my life, personally and professionally. I wish I could tell you… that I could go back and do it differently, but I can’t… such is reality; I can forgive it, learn from it, accept that we did the best we could ad the time and go on living. I wish I could tell you… that never again will anyone experience a newborn death, but I can’t… such is reality; I don’t like it and I don’t understand it. I wish I could tell you… parents who experience a newborn death today have all the support, affirmation, options and education they want in the midst of their grief. but I can’t… such is reality; though there has been much improvement in many place, too many bereaved parents still receive inadequate support, are told not to grieve, lack options, receive little guidance or education and therefore, suffer even more. |